Tag: personal

Thoughts during tea

  • I need more chai latte mix. This stuff is delicious
  • I want to get a giant dog to keep me company, but it’d be hard to find residencies that accept dogs. Basically I’m deathly lonely already so I really want something to love/love me, and there’s this Huge fluffy golden retriever named Bodie that’s around campus and he LOVES ME SO MUCH. But residencies…a nomadic lifestyle isn’t easy with pets. Maybe I should just start walking people’s dogs. Or when I’ve gotten a car I can volunteer at a shelter.
  • You know how sometimes you can have stress dreams about being at work? I’m having dreams about loading kilns and you know what, I’m not even mad. This is what I do, man. It’s what I’ve fought for and dreamed about and I’m in a weird place with it right now, but if I made it this far….
  • I’ve been pretty distracted and unsatisfied about how much I’m able to get done, so I’ve decided to start keeping a list of the things that I have accomplished that day to both motivate myself and be like “yeah look you did stuff today you weren’t totally useless”
  • I’m quitting smoking for a little while, and it’s made me forget about food and be slightly grumpy/it’s hard to fall asleep. I’m an adult though, I’ll make it through. I’m still allowing myself my vape, but it’s not the same, you know?
  • I ordered shelving for my studio and I might get some plants. I also have a camp cot and some bed stuff coming, so I can take naps in the studio. I’ve got pieces and shit all over the floor and reference pictures and glaze recipes all over the walls, but It’ll be homey in short order
  • I want to get a tattoo, but I know that it would upset my boyfriend, and I don’t need to be dropping money on something that stupid. Plus, I wanted to get one with my best friend and I’m not going to see her until she gets married next year
  • I haven’t seen my best friend since literally undergrad?? That’s like…three years?? @late-nite-milkncookies We haven’t seen eachother in three years?? is that even right???

I got a new job!

I turned in my two weeks today….Thinking of moving out early. I’ll have to start all over with my savings probably, but I’m so fucking sick of my mother and her constant shit. I hopped on that shit and immediately got a job almost as soon as I got home, and I’ve been working full time hours ever since- seven months later, successfully transferring to a higher paying job and my mother will never let me have my fucking morning coffee in peace. “What about grad school?? Rolling admissions?? Why don’t you join the Peace Corps??” leave me the fuck alone

I can’t believe I’m having this argument

I told my mom we need new windshield wipers and that I would buy them. With the rain and now the blizzards, my vision is so obscured so I need to use them- but using them leaves this shitty chalky stuff (not frost, actual chalky texture) all over and I can see even less of the road- and when I’m going like 60 on the freeway, in traffic, and I can’t see, it makes me feel like I’m going to die.

And she’s ARGUING. She’s unexplainably pissed off for some reason and is insisting that it’s something that I’m doing wrong. She told me what I SHOULD be doing and guess what. It’s exactly what I am doing. And I said I’d pay for the goddamn wipers. What’s her deal??

What part of “this is unsafe and I am going to crash the car” is she not getting??

so since I missed national coming out day

If you follow me y’all should already know that boy, girls, rainbow swirls, I’m queer af, but I’m also genderfluid.

I didn’t want to say anything on coming out day, so I missed the big shebang…I think mostly because I didn’t think it affected my life that much because I have no desire to go on hormones/transition physically [it wouldn’t make sense to go through expensive medical headaches only to adhere to a binary?]. And honestly because I’m not trans and I’ve presented as a female as expected my whole life, I don’t feel valid….which is something I’m working on.
My best friend and The Boy know. I thought about it and while it’s not visible it does affect my life, just in mental and social ways that are mostly honestly my problem, so I don’t think I’ll tell my parents. They’ll do the thing they do with their eyebrows, and then completely misunderstand the situation and be assholes about it, and then we’ll fight, and it’ll be just another thing that’s shitty between us.

so thats it. happy late coming out day. I doubt anyone will see this post, since it’s 2am here, and maybe i did that on purpose, but don’t worry about pronouns- they’re not that big a deal for me personally, and while I would answer to any set really, the feminine she/her/hers or neutral they are still ace.

I now have at pages upon pages of notes dealing with every “what if” and intricacy of up to 8 different plans all based on cash manipulation, rent possibilities, savings, job options, housing options, residencies, fellowships, grad school options if I get in, whether or not I can have my parents old car, and presence of partner.

I dunno…I feel…a little better after mapping it all out, but I still feel like I’m just holding my breath on a precipice, waiting

I’ll be totally honest, it’s halfway through the year and by the time summer comes around none of these places are going to still be for rent, but I’m bookmarking summer room rentals like a squirrel.

Nevermind the fact that if I do find a place, I have to find a job close enough to the end of the school year so they’ll hire me after graduation instead of having to work through the rest of school, or worse yet, not finding anything so I’m stuck with no rent money. OR by some miracle I get a job with just the right timing, but there are no places left that I can afford. Fuck, why can’t putting all the puzzle pieces together be less stressful