I caught a Bulbasaur and accidentally introduced my mom to Pokemon Go

I’ve been watching the Pokemon Go buzz for a while like “cool, I like that you guys are having fun” but without any real interest because I haven’t played pokemon since I was like 10 and sharing time with my brother on the 90′s gameboy that we found outside with a single pokemon cartridge still in it. I figured you had to have some sort of apparatus for it and buy a game like you would have to with DS or something

And then this morning The Boy told me it was a free app that you played on your phone.

I was walking to the convenience store for caffeine and the first pokemon I saw was a bulbasaur! CAUGHT THAT SUCKER. I like that you don’t have to battle with them, though I suspect that will change when you hit the gyms. Funny thing though, my closest gym is in the middle of the Cincy’s Best Chili parking lot. There was a Vaporeon and I wanted it but I’m only like a level three right now, so…..But I caught five pokemon on a like, quarter mile walk today!

The hardest thing to catch today was a Staryu, strangely enough. Some of the pokemon gave me the dodge and weave a bit, but that Staryu was a wiggly mofo like nobodies business.

Oh, so, I was so excited about walking around today that I jokingly text my mom that I finally found the key to me finally losing weight, and because she doesn’t like to be teased she made me tell her all about Pokemon Go and she wants to try it later when she goes for her walk at the park. So I did that.

Coming to you live from Ohio: MORE FUCKING SURPRISE SPIDERS

I swear to god I’m walking outside and this thing the size of a nickle divebombs me from a tree. I’ve just woken up and am playing Pokemon Go (another post to come) on my way to go get caffeine and I’m wearing a jumper.

The jumper part is important for two reasons. One: Cleavage. I have lots of it, so there’s a nice big gap and the thin fabric of this piece make it look like a nice little hidey hole tent from above, I’m sure. Two: a jumper is a one piece. Meaning a shirt, I could untuck, do a couple of flaps, and it’s gone. A jumper…well…

So this big spider jumps down my cleavage. I, unprepared, scream. Feeling it in my clothes, I scream some more. Attempting to get it out but not really able to because I’m wearing a one piece but I’m wiggling everywhere making half breathy screaming noises yep that was my morning.

I got a quarter second flash of what it looked like before it was down my trousers but I hate I HATE I HATE that Ohio has spiders like it’s got a fucking captive breeding program for them Jesus Christ. Like, I’m okay with them, I’m okay with catch and release, but the spontaneous flying attacks onto second base are over the line

*directs megaphone towards the Hellenic Pantheon* WHO HERE BESIDES ATHENA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR SPIDERS AND CAN WE WORK OUT A DEAL?

I have a problem

Me: Shit, I’ve got no money, I’m going to have to be on a payment plan to pay back the repairs for the mixer….
Me, an hour later: I wonder how much the Thorin Oakenshield POP! figure is on Amazon….
Also me, beating formerly mentioned me with a broom:STOP. LOOKING. AT. PRETTY. THINGS. YOU. USELESS. LITTLE. GOBLIN.

Ever since I moved back home my whole life has become a comedy of errors that would be super funny on a sitcom, but in reality is 80% of the time just painful or ends up being expensive.

Also, I lost something very small but very important for possible witchcraft today. It literally slipped away, and it was very small and looked like garbage so I can only assume that I threw it away within the last two days. It’s unlikely that I can harvest this material again- possible, but unlikely, and I’m not devastated- too much has been going wrong lately for me to not take it in stride- but I am tired and very disappointed.

Yep totally just walked out in front of that unnecessarily speeding car in the target parking lot

It’s nice to know that I haven’t lost that college student mentality of “go ahead hit me idgaf Im broke af anyway, it’d be a blessing”

Though seriously he SAW me in the crosswalk and didn’t slow down at all, so I slowed down and stared him down. There’s no reason to be going like thirty or forty in a crowded target parking lot at 1 in the afternoon, you asshat