A truly A+ moment

when your pain meds finally kick in and you don’t want to die

I’m cleaning my room and all the little tiny spiders are like “D8 WHY ARE YOU MOVING MY HOUSE”

I really like our new rug because it reminds me of something

I’m throwing a huge rager tonight.
Only three people are invited
Me, myself, and I.

Ok I’m getting drunk off of coconut pineapple rum and eating Chios while watching Hotel Transylvania 2

It’s gonna be fucking lit

Why is it

That when it’s my day off and I’m trying to sleep that everything goes wrong and people start blowing up my phone with calls

One of my cashiers came in today for his 5 to closing shift and asked me who the closing manager was today, and when I told him it was me he did a little fist pump and went “yes!”

I’m the cool mom™

I don’t deserve the things I want

My literal favorite part of my job is doing the “You have fifteen(ect) minutes, get the fuck out of my store” closing announcements; lately my coworkers have been telling me that I have a lot of emotion in my voice, or that I sound really cute, and I’m just like

I went to the store to get alcohol and salad dressing (the two biggies, you know) and the bagger at my checkout was this really pretty young WOC, and her HAIR. Oh my god. She’d bleached out her dreads to this beige color and put shells and stones in it, and she was just seriously mermaid goals.

The best part of the huge pockets in my work vest is that I can conceal whole damn copy of The Hobbit