greek gods as onion article headlines

cronus: God Admits He’s Addicted To Babies
zeus: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I’ll Fuck My Way Out
hera: Area Woman Not Listened To Again
ares: Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings ‘Senseless’?
aphrodite: Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair
hephaestus: Neighbor’s House Fire Kind Of Beautiful, Actually
hestia: Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure
hermes: Behold The Magic Flying Man
apollo: Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move
artemis: God The Bounty Hunter
demeter: You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?
persephone: Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
hades: Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don’t I?
dionysus: Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk
poseidon: God Admits He Rarely Forgives